late night ramblings of a restless mind

I often wake in the early hours of the morning, gripped with a sense of overwhelming doom. I like awake, staring at the ceiling thinking about all the sad in the world when I should be sleeping.

This morning I woke thinking about the titanic. How utterly horribly and unnecessary it was. How we are truly at the mercy of those with money/power. All the poor that were locked below deck so the rich could have a better chance. We tend to separate people based on class to assure ourselves that that couldn’t happen to us. We wouldn’t find ourselves in that situation, we would make better choices, better decisions, we are better. They must have done bad things to be in that position…. When in fact the only decisions they made were to travel to another land in hopes of better opportunity, better futures. They were all traveling at the whims of someone else. How much of our lives do we actually have control over? When the reality that the answer is “very little” becomes clear… it’s disheartening. You can make the best choices, have the most resources and things still don’t work out in your favour. Sure these things might tilt the scale a little, but is that enough? You won’t know. You likely won’t know until it’s too late. Yes you can “control how you react” to a certain degree, but even that has been preprogramed into you since before you knew that the sky was a colour called blue. Changing that kind of programing… I don’t know if it can be done…. I think you can just mitigate the damage once you realise it.

What would you do if you couldn’t afford food, shelter or clothing for yourself or your family? What happens when your family involves small children? I grew up in a prosperous time, I was without wants, purposefully sheltered from the world. Perhaps this is part of my “issue”. Always knowing that there was a certain fragility to life but never having it explained to me. Perhaps because those that were to be doing the explaining couldn’t really grasp it themselves, either because they too were sheltered or just didn’t know or didn’t have the time to think about these things. Time to think can be a dangerous thing. Especially at 3 am.

I look into to the sweet faces of my children and I worry that I will not be able to provide food that is healthy enough, care that is loving enough, shelter that is warm enough and lessons that are wise enough. Sometimes it feels like I will be crushed under this weight. It disables my ability to properly parent in that moment. Disables my ability to make good decisions about food and budget.
Yes I am fortunate to live in a country with more of a social safety next then our southern neighbours. For that I am thankful. Thankful that my parents parents survived a sea voyage that people decades before didn’t.

All that rambling spun off of the realisation that we are at the whims of those in power. That’s even more unnerving when you realize that those in power didn’t always come by it honestly. We’re all doing what we need to survive and create better lives for ourselves and our offspring after all right? Altruism is a rare trait.

late night ramblings of a restless mind

… it’s been two years…

… since I created this blog… on the recommendation of a friend who thought my view of the world was worth sharing.  My first was 3 months old at the time.  During my pregnancy, his birth, and the first few months of his life I came to realize that much of what I had been told or led to believe in the first 27 years of my life was a complete and utter lie.  Mostly likely the people sharing these lies had no idea that the knowledge they were passing on was as far from reality as possible.

Basically… everything you’ve ever been told is important that isn’t a person or food is a lie. The cake… it’s a lie.

This blog exists solely for the purpose of my sanity. If you get a kick out of it, cool. If I offend you, well, that’s your issue, don’t message me about it. I have enough of my own shit to deal with without adding your issues to my pile.

… it’s been two years…